Live Aboard Your Boat While At Home

Why go to all the trouble and expense of acquiring and maintaining a boat when you can live the life aquatic on the cheap on dry land?

Below, 21 tips on how to simulate a floating palace at home sweet home.

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Your watch!"

4. Put a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.

5. When taking showers, shut off the water while soaping.

6. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to high.

7. If your basement floods during a sudden thaw, go down and start bailing.

8. Bring inside some type of gas motor (lawn mower, garden tiller, etc), start, and leave running while trying to listen to favorite CD or having an in-depth conversation.

9. If the wind outside is howling, race around the house to make sure all windows and doors are secure. At night, everyone takes a turn on "watch."

10. Place all none-edible garbage in small plastic bags and store in other half of tub (edible garbage to be thrown out the window).

11. Wake up at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Cold canned ravioli or soup is optional.

12. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in the pantry, 'fridge or freezer.

13. Once a month pick a major appliance, take it completely apart, and put it back together.

14. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to 6 hours before drinking.

15. Put a fluorescent light under the coffee table and lay there to read a book.

16. Every so often throw the cat in the tub (hot tub, large sink, etc.) and shout, "Man overboard!"

17. Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at the wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."

• After distributing this list the first time, I received some additions from Tommy Taggart:

18. With every major windshift, have your alarm go off so you can reset your address.

19. Periodically throw some sand about the house.

20. Cut two legs shorter on each chair.

21. During a squall, wake up, go to the front porch, throw a bucket of cold water in your face, then go back to bed.

[via the Grogono family website]